Numb...swollen eyes...sick to my stomach....unhappy thoughts...that's me right now.

My fairytale almost ended badly today. Everything went crashing down.

Somehow, I feel myself putting up the same wall to protect myself. Mark calls it my method of denying reality..I call it "keeping myself sane" from people who intend to hurt my feelings.

I knew it was bound to happen but I kept thinking it was my own insecurities. I'm not sure whether to be angry, sad or be stronger than before. I now know how ZZ feels; it hurts you so much that you can't think straight but somehow, you want to accept the "wrong doings" and move on with your life. Should I accept? Yes I will but it will take time and alot of trust is out the window.

Don't blame my one night of "nothing" to your months of "many things". I wasn't out for revenge or just wanted to have fun. I did my "nothing" out of my stupidity to think straight. But you; for months, did "many things" consciously and with a purpose.

As I said before, I will stand by you no matter how bad things are. It is time for you to keep your words and promises. No more unanswered calls (unless really have to do), no more "unknown" friends of yours and no more hurting me. I've been through alot and you came in and made me smile again....but it is you that made me cried today. My heart/feelings which you had mended and repaired are back in pieces...all due to your carelessness. It will take lots of time to put the puzzle back but somehow, I'll manage *even on my own*..I've done it before and I can do it again if I need to.

What you hate the most is what you have become. That's the worst I've seen from this episode. I've tried so much to keep myself from doing any wrong but it is you who seems careless now. You want me to be "good" but you don't practice what you preach.

I forgive you but I will never forget your "many things". I will start afresh tomorrow morning; but I will always be reminded of what you are capable of. Don't blame me for doing so since it is you who put the thoughts in my mind.

P/S: This open letter is made by me who doesn't care if anyone gets upset with this. I have a right to write down whatever I want. No apologies are to be made unless it is you apologizing to me for your "errors".

Mark: THANK YOU for being a great friend. You are truly one of a kind..my best friend. I love you to bits for everything. Thanx for keeping me sane tonight

Managed to get some stuff done over the weekend. Made breakfast for him on Sunday at my house; first time for me to wake up early to cook….not even for me but for someone else. Can I get some applause here, people!

Took an unexpected leave of absence from work yesterday. Got my SIM card changed…I can now video call the special someone. No hiding from me anymore; evil laugh. We managed to watch two movies during the weekend; both movies sucked since both had cliff-hanger endings. K said its my fault for picking bad movies; as if syg!

I also found the kebaya that is destined to be my attire for the engagement day. I know the day is a long time off but it doesn't hurt to look right. Anyway, the kebaya is light blue with beadings; slightly see-through. Syg was very worried about the transparency of the cloth. I fell in love with that kebaya while syg fell in love with another white one. So we came to a compromise that we shall get both. However, the price for each kebaya is around RM600...far over my budgeted price. I don't think I'll get the kebayas as its too pricey..oh well, there will be others.

*POUTS*

[update]
Confirmed not getting it. F*cking annoyed at everything!

Recently met up with Evonne and Fiona. K joined in for fun; actually I made him. Over tea/coffee, we updated each other regarding work, life and my up-coming engagement. I managed to freak the girls out because back in uni days, I swore that I’ll probably end up an old grumpy woman since I was confident that no one can make me happy but myself. K proved this wrong.

They were quite worried about the relationship and all. Girls, I’m not getting engaged due to pregnancy! It just feels right; with the right guy. No matter how we fight, we always resolve things quickly. To think that I was so confident about being forever single. Silly me; proves that I sometimes take things too seriously. I’m happy! So, things turned out GREAT for me.

Work has been fairly good. Will be heading down to JB next month. A week or so there for work. Should be interesting. A week without him will be a challenge. Thankfully my new phone can video call!

Been awhile now since I’ve updated the blog. Lots of interesting things happened so far. Quit my job, got a new one. Went for a holiday (treasure hunting). And so much more..I can barely remember what happened last month.

So far, this new job is so much better than my previous one; no deadlines! Colleagues are friendly and helpful *a loud cheer from me* Can’t really reveal much as one does not want to get into trouble with management about one’s blog. Overall, I’m happy with my move here.

As for the treasure hunt/holiday, it was the first get-away trip for me and K. Lots of great moments, a tiny argument over Twisties and lots of wonderful situations as a couple. We went with his colleague, Tina and her boyfriend. The hotel was great; love the beachers *we practically went to most of the beaches in the state*, the prizes were good and the hunt was exciting. See, I can be active when I want to.

4 months or so to our engagement day. Excited.

At work right now. New job requires me to work every alternate Saturdays *for 4 hours* which is ok with me. Pmsing right now; I hate hormonal changes – moody, grumpy, hay-wired Shari.

Me…him...& a ring!

Finally! I’m taking a VERY big step into adulthood. On the 20th Oct 2007, I’m finally being booked *as our matchmaker had said*

Who is the matchmaker…none other than Mark. The lucky guy is of course; my sayang K!

Basically, his side will come over to my house for majlis merisik. Back in the day, its done coz the future bride and groom don’t get to meet each other; you’ll probably get married to a stranger. So the guy side will come over and ask whether “bunga di rumah sudah dipetik” which means whether the girl is promised to anyone yet. By the way, the phrase “bunga di rumah sudah dipetik” is NOT used in actual event OK!

This means K and his family will come over to my house. To ask whether my family is ok with the relationship and so on. Of course, my family already thinks K is part of the family so “merisik” is done only as a part of tradition/custom. We already bought the ring for merisik.

Last Sunday, we bought the engagement rings as well. So we are set.

Merisik…bertunang (engagement)…..berkahwin (marriage).

Why the sudden urge to blog? Well, I’m stressed at work…tons of things to do and so little time so where else to vent (besides my sayang who is on holidays) so here I am blogging again.

This month has been really f*c*ed-up. No idea why but my emotional side has gone hay-wired. Being away from him doesn’t help. Even though, we see each other every morning but I noticed we hardly talked like we used to. It always begins with “morning sayang” and ends with “drive carefully, ya”. Hmm, I don’t think we used to be that way. Maybe it’s the curse of “pass-the-6-months-period”. Yup, I’m happy to say that we’ve been together for 7 months now. Still arguing over the little things and still happy over the smallest things. I know that being with someone doesn’t mean you need to be happy 24/7 but one can try right! Oh well, give and take, find a middle way and so on….I still love you, K

No matter what you do *or no matter what nonsense I do*

The pressures of work have been getting to me lately; even thought of looking for a new one but I’m still having fun so why switch right?!? On the health side, I’ve been sick for 2 weeks now. Docs said it’s not due to fever but “take this med just in case”…hmmm, I hate going for check-ups.

Oh yeah, K and I adopted 2 cats. Oh-so-cute!!! I think he gave me the cats as a way to distract me while he’s off doing something/busy/not answering calls or sms. He’s the only one who finally got it right as in what to get me.

Another happy moment currently in my life is the company trip. I’m off to Bali in late Oct!! Party, shopping, the guys *kidding!* and the freedom! Can’t wait to have fun with Zura and Yanti. Finally, a chance to have fun.

Life for me currently is “Lalala” as K would say.

The Fabulous Catz - Rimas
Lari, lari, lari
Aku lari tingalkan semua ini
Untuk mencari, cari, cari...........Ketenangan diri

Pergi, pergi, pergi
Engkau pergi dari hidupku ini
Ku tak mahu, mahu
Engkau hadir dalam diri ini

Keluhan hatiku tak siapa yang tahu
Ku simpan semua sebak di dada
Biar ku yang terluka
Pernahkah kau mengerti caraku memujukmu
Pernahkah kau hargai caraku mencintaimu

Lafaskan kata dari bibir
Adakahnya dari hati
Mungkin kau tak fahami maksudnya yang tersembunyi
Titisan air mata dari pipi ke bumi
Pernahkah kau peduli betapa sedih diriku ini

(Korus)
Mengapa
Aku yang terluka
Aku yang merana
Aku yang menahan sisa baki cinta ini
Engkau yang meminta
Aku yang sengsara
Rimas, rimas aku rimas

Tidak pesona kecundang
Istana jiwa ku goyang
Roboh dan tumbang
Sawan ku lantang
Tidak berpantang
Letupnya siang-siang
Bukannya alang-kepalang
datangnya perang
Dan bawa ku ke jurang
Pulanglah sayang janji ku tatang
Ku hapuskan dalang
Dalangnya sayang
Sayangnya hilang
Hilanglah garang
Garang ku Terbang melayang
Terbongkang ku terbangkau terhoyong-hayang
Tak pandang belakang
Terkangkang kira ku tak diundang ku rapuh
Semua tak bertiang janji ku kini kan berulang

Lari lari aku Lari tinggalkan
Tinggalkan semua ini
Untuk mencari
Untuk mencari ketenangan
Aku pergi tinggalkan
Tinggalkan kau sendiri
Ku pergi, kini ku pergi
Tinggalkanmu

*Somehow this song speaks volumes of how I feel right now.